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Both Penny and I knew we were looking for someone better to come along. At 21 I took a job in a high end auto dealership's sales department as a gopher. My job entailed moving cars around the lot and shuttling customers to and from their service appointments. Needless to say I had to deal with my share of bitchie trophy wives. But not all the customers were snobs. I had many great conversations with my rides. The ladies always asked if I had a girlfriend (I always said no). "A hand-sum guy like. These losses brought me pain the likes of which I had never known existed, let alone felt. All that pain provided me with a new respect for fear. As with everyone, I had felt fear in the past. But this new fear, brought on by actual loss, actual pain… this was fear on steroids. I let it consume me for a time. I almost let it take me. My fear of death palled in comparison to the looming shadow of my fear of living. Aoife saved me that night on my knees, next to the bed Sasha and I had shared.. I make no bones about it, I strip her with my eyes as walks towards me, my eyes hot on her crutch.‘Do you know me?’ she asks.‘Not yet,’ I say. ‘But I want to.’We fool around with the chit chat for a couple minutes but we both know what we want – and that we are going to get it. I love that feeling.She got into the car and we took off. It’s a two seater and the hood was down. Her legs were stretched out in front and slightly parted, her hair was dark, and she looked straight at me as she lifted. I would go to sleep and then in the middle of the night I would wake with that terrible lonely feeling. The only way for me to get any more rest at all was to put some songs on and eventually fall asleep again. The CD was one that I had made of the song, "I Think I'll Go Somewhere and Cry Myself to Sleep." It was the only song and it had twenty-one repeats on the CD.It was two-eleven when I put it on and started it playing. Sometime before the eighty minutes were up and it shut off, my bedroom.
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